Post by Sanada Tomo on Jul 12, 2010 19:01:43 GMT -4
[This thread was written with the help of guest writer, ex-co-admin Rei <3]
There was fire.
Sanada Tomoyo was aware that this was a dream; it was rather obvious, not only because she always had dreams or nightmares when she was visiting the Mortal Realm or even the fact that she was in a human form that she hadn't taken up for years, but also because Ren was in it, staring at her with those golden eyes that marked the Yamazaki family. He looked happy, standing there with a cheeky smile, and that was what irritated Tomoyo the most.
Fucking German-inspired twits. Even in a dream like state, it was difficult to for her to keep reign over her emotions. Now that he was dead, there were so many things that she'd been right about, so many things that she had wished she'd been wrong about, and now, he was haunting her dreams. Had his soul been taken to Heaven yet? She wondered, Or is this actually his spirit that has discovered me here in the Mortal Realm. Has he been looking for me, even in Death? For the split second of a moment, she contemplated marching herself down to the Spirit Realm and demanding his spirit back. She wouldn't be able to do so again so easily--it had been a struggle just to get Yomi back, and at least that would have been for a practical purpose. Yomi was serving her Nation, atoning for her sins in more ways than one. It was working slowly, but it was working--Sanada knew this just from reading the number of lies that Yomi told herself these days; it was decreasing, but the Yami-ou still couldn't tell if that was good or bad as of now. It wouldn't be worth it to bring Ren back in the same way; it was unfair, for one--and two, he would do nothing but lament the way that he had spent this past life, and that would do nothing but waste the one that she would give him. Sanada Tomoyo needed something more than Ren. She needed a father for her child; she needed a support for when she was weary--not necessarily strength-wise, but emotionally, mentally, and Ren hadn't done very much to give her those things at all.
There were tears stinging her eyes from thinking all of those things at once, and she ignored them. Had she been awake, they would not have been there and that gave her as much closure about the subject as she was going to get. And still Ren stared, saying nothing, waiting for her to make the first move as always, cheeky smile still there, happy that he had found her. She would never know, but he had waited months to find her, for her to step into the Mortal Realm. He was aware that Spirits could vaguely affect the Mortal Realm. He could not speak to her directly, and unless she was in the Spirit Realm or under spell Sanada Tomoyo could not see the lingering forms of the deceased. But she dreamt of him often, he was surprised to find, and this was the only way that this would work. He had tried a few things; knocking over chairs and things, but being a spirit, doing this required a lot of effort--he could not continually do them. He began to frown, however, as he saw her tear-streaked face. Had his death made her that sad? He would be reborn again, soon enough--if he was lucky, he would be able to get some cognizant creature, someone who would have been able to seek out magic to remember their past lives--he knew that he would not be born again as an Angel.
"...why'd you leave me, you bitch?" Tomoyo screamed at him suddenly, her voice screeching an loud, her tears mixed in.
"...Do you really want an answer for that?"
Tomoyo was furious. She had heard how he had died; that she knew--but for him to die without having solved any of his issues with her...that was unbelievable. A swelling overtook her heart, and she wished it would go away. She was already crying, and she didn't need anything else.
"I told you not to go!" she shouted. "I told you!" she was in a dream, and things weren't real here. This was her dream self, and she allowed her inner feelings to display themselves because of it. She broke down, sobbing and crying and stomping and screaming, because she was only in a dream and Ren wasn't here; Ren was dead and not even buried in the cold, cold ground because she didn't have his fucking body. Yes, I would like an answer for that! I'm here, and I've always been here, and I love you, and you treat me like shit and I don't get you at all!" she screamed again, a volley of intelligible tripe that no one would have been able to understand before she continued. "Answer the damned question, for Suzaku's sakes!"
"...What do you want me to say that I haven't said already?" Ren was trying to be calm in the face of Tomoyo's childish behavior. She looked like a girl who was throwing a temper tandrum, and he was trying very hard not to be disappointed with her.
Tomoyo, on the other hand, was furious. "Why can't you say something that sounds like the truth? Something heartfelt and...and real? You've got the same look on your face that you always have! Your expression never changes~! Don't I inspire passion in you? Don't you love me?"
"...You know the answers to every single one of those questions. I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself." And it was true.
"I don't know the answer--the REAL answers--to those questions, and I haven't for some time. Repeat it if you have to. I deserve an answer; I gave birth to your son!!"
Ren sighed deeply, approaching closer to his ex-beloved. "I'm sorry that this hurts...but why can't you just take my word for it that things are better this way? For everyone involved, but especially you and him."
But Tomoyo wasn't giving up her ground. "You should tell me why. Why shouldn't I be the person to consider what's better for me? It's not your decision to make!" She was still being a baby, but Ren refused to baby her.
"It's not just the stuff with our family, it's other things. That you're unlikely to accept but still remain a problem. He sighed again. So much for this being a pleasant reunion with the woman that he loved. Tomoyo would never let anything alone; she always had to dig deeper with things that had nothing to do with her.
Tomoyo tried to keep herself from crying, but it was hard. He didn't deserve her tears. He had used her in the worst way imaginable, even if it had been by accident. it was unforgivable. And yet, she was stuck here, unable to wake herself up without some disturbance or extra effort...and she didn't have that effort right now. She would had to think that this was a ploy by an enemy to render her vulnerable; if it was, it was working rather well. This was the conversation that she'd needed to have with Ren before he left, before Rakeru had been born, probably even before then. "...you understand that there's only so long that I can deal with this...?"
"I'm not asking you to put up with it forever...I'm sure if you asked Rei she would tell you. She's no fan of me either right now..." Ren was well aware that this wouldn't last--he wasn't coming back, wasn't being ressurrected, wasn't going anywhere. He would remain in the Spirit Realm until he was Judged and was then reincarnated. That was all. This conversation was a farce, about as real as this meeting and held no weight at all. But Tomoyo insisted upon it, like she did with everything else she wanted, and since he couldn't avoid it he would give it to her.
And still Tomoyo spoke on. "...the fact that I've put up with it for this long is too long. That seems to be something you don't understand. I've put up with lies, betrayal and backstabbing. I don't deserve this. I don't have to settle for this. You know that, don't you?"
"You honestly think I'm not aware of all of that? I'm not asking you to put up with it. Or to understand it. This is just the way that things have to be until I can trust myself again...until then I don't have a choice."
"...you're not even going to attempt to fight for me to stay? Honestly? All I get is 'I'm not asking you to put up with it?'" Of all of the terrible things that Ren had put her through, it was most of all his complacency with what had happened around him. He expressed nothing, told her nothing, made decisions on his own ans expected her to go along with them because he was being himself and taking her into consideration, supposedly, without telling her exactly what it was that he was taking into consideration.
"You don't think I want you to stay? I may not act like it, but I do still love you. Do you really want me to try and force you to stay with me when you're not happy? You expect me to try and make you stay when I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt you or our child? That's not fair to either of you."
"You couldn't hurt a fly if it bit you on the ass! ...you know what? Fine. That's how you want it to be? That's how it's going to be. This stupid thing is for questions, right? How soon can you get your shit out of my castle?"
"...I'll have Shizuka come by tomorrow morning. Or I would if I could." It was absolutely prepostorous, what she was proposing, what he was tolerating, but this whole conversation was stupid, in his opinion. He had done what he needed to do to protect his family, and it had cost him his life. What more of a noble death could there be?
"...did you ever really love me? Your leaving this easily distinctly points out that you didn't. Who leave on a whim like that, especially after everything you put me through?"
It was then that Ren began to get angry. How dare she be presumptuous like that? Her logic made no sense! Would he be contacting her in a dream if he didn't love her? "Of course I loved you! I just told you that I still did, didn't I? I've never stopped! What do you want me to do? Refuse to leave? Not let you leave? We established years ago that you're more powerful than I am, how do you expect me to dig my heels in against something you so obviously want? I don't want to leave or for you to leave but with things like this what choice do we have?!"
Next, more yelling. "For you to stop being a bitch, to man up and fucking tell me what's wrong, and stop being so guarded about your feelings? What IS your love for me if I never get--got--whatever--to see any of it!?"
"...I've tried. And every time I try you minimize it. Because I can't possibly form an opinion about myself that doesn't agree with you. I'm saying that as long as I don't have complete control over myself and the Kataki no Seirei that I shouldn't be around other people, especially those that make my emotions go haywire like you, Rei and Rakeru. I may not be able to hurt you physically but the other two are a different story and I don't want to take the chance. That is what I'm afraid of. And now you're going to tell me that it's bullshit and that I'm being a pussy and exaggerating it." But that's the wonderful thing about death; he didn't have to worry about it anymore. The Seirei was gone, ready to enhabit the next person, who would--hopefully, remember what had transpired in his past lives.
"It's not about being more powerful, and making someone do something; you don't think I could detain you right now and fucking torture you until I got you to agree to do what I want? You don't understand anything. You are a stupid, naive man."
"It's also the fact that I respect you enough to let you make your own decisions and won't try and shove mine down your throat. And you're a forceful, arrogant bitch. We've reached an impasse."
"You could at least show me some compassion. If you couldn't love me, Ren, you shouldn't have married me. You shouldn't have pretended to be happy about Rakeru. You shouldn't have pretended any of it."
"I haven't pretended a Byakko be damned thing! How many fucking times do I have to say that? Why would I enter into either of those things lightly?! If I didn't love you and truly want to marry you when I knew that it was going to eventually lead me to fall completely then why would I have done it?! And if I didn't want to have a child with you and if I'm not happy that we did then why would I have done it when I knew it was going to eventually lead to this?! Obviously though, I must be lying because my idea of loving you by doing what I think I can to protect you isn't good enough for you. Because you're fucking infallible and the end all be all to the entire universe, is that it? Gods! You drive me insane..."
The Yami-ou was done crying now. She'd moved cleanly past her grief into rage as the crap that Ren was spouting. He traveled all the way from the afterlife just to tell her this? He should have just stayed dead. "Call me what you want, but I've worked hard for what I've got now. I've sacrificed endlessly and tirelessly my own desires, and I really thought that for once I'd get to do something I wanted. To be happy."
Ren's frown was more distinct now. "Well then what can I say to that? Do what you want and I hope you are."
"Why didn't he understand? He always dismissed her when she brought up her own happiness. Why didn't he get that...I know that you loved me. I know that you're cautious about these things, and I know that you put thought into it. But that was before...whatever it is is going on now. Making me stay in a loveless marriage isn't protecting me at all!"
"What's going on now is the same thing that's being going on. Only now...is the climax. And I can't speak about your half but mine certainly isn't loveless. I may not show it as exuberantly as you do but it's true. Tell me what you want me to do so that you'll believe that I've never stopped loving you. And no one is making you stay. I asked you to wait and you have and now I've asked you to wait a little longer and you can't."
There was no more time left to wait. "Argh! Damn it all to Suzaku's hold! Why can't you just be a little sensitive. Why can't you just tell me you love me? Why does everything you say sound like a script from a movie?"
"What more can I say that I haven't already? How many times do you want me to rephrase it? You're in my blood and in the air I breath and without you I would cease to be, is that what you want? It's the truth, whether you believe it or not. I can't get you out of my fucking mind and all of this shit is for you!"
"I want you to start coming home in the evenings," Tomoyo said, but by now the tears had begun to fall as she listed all of things that she'd wished that Ren would do before his death. He couldn't do them anymore, even if he had wanted to. "I want you to hold your son. I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me how much you love me when it crosses your mind. I want you to be more playful, affectionate, giving. I want you."
Sanada Tomoyo, in that single moment, as she slipped down to the ground, was the weakest and most frail creature that Ren had ever seen. Even in death he felt more compassion for her than he had ever felt while they were alive. It was something that he didn't like. He didn't like seeing her like this. His strength was draining, but he supposed that objectively he had completed his goal. It had taken him months to amass the energy require to do this, and he wouldn't be able to do it again very soon. It was all or nothing now, and it was with a heavy heart (metaphorically) that he picked up the pace, finally going to her, and holding her as much as she'd just asked him to. Contact with her was surprisingly solid, something that he hadn't been expecting despite its practicality.
"I can't stay with you," Ren said, "but I love you. Please believe me."
And the Yami-ou awoke that morning, in tears.
There was fire.
Sanada Tomoyo was aware that this was a dream; it was rather obvious, not only because she always had dreams or nightmares when she was visiting the Mortal Realm or even the fact that she was in a human form that she hadn't taken up for years, but also because Ren was in it, staring at her with those golden eyes that marked the Yamazaki family. He looked happy, standing there with a cheeky smile, and that was what irritated Tomoyo the most.
Fucking German-inspired twits. Even in a dream like state, it was difficult to for her to keep reign over her emotions. Now that he was dead, there were so many things that she'd been right about, so many things that she had wished she'd been wrong about, and now, he was haunting her dreams. Had his soul been taken to Heaven yet? She wondered, Or is this actually his spirit that has discovered me here in the Mortal Realm. Has he been looking for me, even in Death? For the split second of a moment, she contemplated marching herself down to the Spirit Realm and demanding his spirit back. She wouldn't be able to do so again so easily--it had been a struggle just to get Yomi back, and at least that would have been for a practical purpose. Yomi was serving her Nation, atoning for her sins in more ways than one. It was working slowly, but it was working--Sanada knew this just from reading the number of lies that Yomi told herself these days; it was decreasing, but the Yami-ou still couldn't tell if that was good or bad as of now. It wouldn't be worth it to bring Ren back in the same way; it was unfair, for one--and two, he would do nothing but lament the way that he had spent this past life, and that would do nothing but waste the one that she would give him. Sanada Tomoyo needed something more than Ren. She needed a father for her child; she needed a support for when she was weary--not necessarily strength-wise, but emotionally, mentally, and Ren hadn't done very much to give her those things at all.
There were tears stinging her eyes from thinking all of those things at once, and she ignored them. Had she been awake, they would not have been there and that gave her as much closure about the subject as she was going to get. And still Ren stared, saying nothing, waiting for her to make the first move as always, cheeky smile still there, happy that he had found her. She would never know, but he had waited months to find her, for her to step into the Mortal Realm. He was aware that Spirits could vaguely affect the Mortal Realm. He could not speak to her directly, and unless she was in the Spirit Realm or under spell Sanada Tomoyo could not see the lingering forms of the deceased. But she dreamt of him often, he was surprised to find, and this was the only way that this would work. He had tried a few things; knocking over chairs and things, but being a spirit, doing this required a lot of effort--he could not continually do them. He began to frown, however, as he saw her tear-streaked face. Had his death made her that sad? He would be reborn again, soon enough--if he was lucky, he would be able to get some cognizant creature, someone who would have been able to seek out magic to remember their past lives--he knew that he would not be born again as an Angel.
"...why'd you leave me, you bitch?" Tomoyo screamed at him suddenly, her voice screeching an loud, her tears mixed in.
"...Do you really want an answer for that?"
Tomoyo was furious. She had heard how he had died; that she knew--but for him to die without having solved any of his issues with her...that was unbelievable. A swelling overtook her heart, and she wished it would go away. She was already crying, and she didn't need anything else.
"I told you not to go!" she shouted. "I told you!" she was in a dream, and things weren't real here. This was her dream self, and she allowed her inner feelings to display themselves because of it. She broke down, sobbing and crying and stomping and screaming, because she was only in a dream and Ren wasn't here; Ren was dead and not even buried in the cold, cold ground because she didn't have his fucking body. Yes, I would like an answer for that! I'm here, and I've always been here, and I love you, and you treat me like shit and I don't get you at all!" she screamed again, a volley of intelligible tripe that no one would have been able to understand before she continued. "Answer the damned question, for Suzaku's sakes!"
"...What do you want me to say that I haven't said already?" Ren was trying to be calm in the face of Tomoyo's childish behavior. She looked like a girl who was throwing a temper tandrum, and he was trying very hard not to be disappointed with her.
Tomoyo, on the other hand, was furious. "Why can't you say something that sounds like the truth? Something heartfelt and...and real? You've got the same look on your face that you always have! Your expression never changes~! Don't I inspire passion in you? Don't you love me?"
"...You know the answers to every single one of those questions. I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself." And it was true.
"I don't know the answer--the REAL answers--to those questions, and I haven't for some time. Repeat it if you have to. I deserve an answer; I gave birth to your son!!"
Ren sighed deeply, approaching closer to his ex-beloved. "I'm sorry that this hurts...but why can't you just take my word for it that things are better this way? For everyone involved, but especially you and him."
But Tomoyo wasn't giving up her ground. "You should tell me why. Why shouldn't I be the person to consider what's better for me? It's not your decision to make!" She was still being a baby, but Ren refused to baby her.
"It's not just the stuff with our family, it's other things. That you're unlikely to accept but still remain a problem. He sighed again. So much for this being a pleasant reunion with the woman that he loved. Tomoyo would never let anything alone; she always had to dig deeper with things that had nothing to do with her.
Tomoyo tried to keep herself from crying, but it was hard. He didn't deserve her tears. He had used her in the worst way imaginable, even if it had been by accident. it was unforgivable. And yet, she was stuck here, unable to wake herself up without some disturbance or extra effort...and she didn't have that effort right now. She would had to think that this was a ploy by an enemy to render her vulnerable; if it was, it was working rather well. This was the conversation that she'd needed to have with Ren before he left, before Rakeru had been born, probably even before then. "...you understand that there's only so long that I can deal with this...?"
"I'm not asking you to put up with it forever...I'm sure if you asked Rei she would tell you. She's no fan of me either right now..." Ren was well aware that this wouldn't last--he wasn't coming back, wasn't being ressurrected, wasn't going anywhere. He would remain in the Spirit Realm until he was Judged and was then reincarnated. That was all. This conversation was a farce, about as real as this meeting and held no weight at all. But Tomoyo insisted upon it, like she did with everything else she wanted, and since he couldn't avoid it he would give it to her.
And still Tomoyo spoke on. "...the fact that I've put up with it for this long is too long. That seems to be something you don't understand. I've put up with lies, betrayal and backstabbing. I don't deserve this. I don't have to settle for this. You know that, don't you?"
"You honestly think I'm not aware of all of that? I'm not asking you to put up with it. Or to understand it. This is just the way that things have to be until I can trust myself again...until then I don't have a choice."
"...you're not even going to attempt to fight for me to stay? Honestly? All I get is 'I'm not asking you to put up with it?'" Of all of the terrible things that Ren had put her through, it was most of all his complacency with what had happened around him. He expressed nothing, told her nothing, made decisions on his own ans expected her to go along with them because he was being himself and taking her into consideration, supposedly, without telling her exactly what it was that he was taking into consideration.
"You don't think I want you to stay? I may not act like it, but I do still love you. Do you really want me to try and force you to stay with me when you're not happy? You expect me to try and make you stay when I'm terrified that I'm going to hurt you or our child? That's not fair to either of you."
"You couldn't hurt a fly if it bit you on the ass! ...you know what? Fine. That's how you want it to be? That's how it's going to be. This stupid thing is for questions, right? How soon can you get your shit out of my castle?"
"...I'll have Shizuka come by tomorrow morning. Or I would if I could." It was absolutely prepostorous, what she was proposing, what he was tolerating, but this whole conversation was stupid, in his opinion. He had done what he needed to do to protect his family, and it had cost him his life. What more of a noble death could there be?
"...did you ever really love me? Your leaving this easily distinctly points out that you didn't. Who leave on a whim like that, especially after everything you put me through?"
It was then that Ren began to get angry. How dare she be presumptuous like that? Her logic made no sense! Would he be contacting her in a dream if he didn't love her? "Of course I loved you! I just told you that I still did, didn't I? I've never stopped! What do you want me to do? Refuse to leave? Not let you leave? We established years ago that you're more powerful than I am, how do you expect me to dig my heels in against something you so obviously want? I don't want to leave or for you to leave but with things like this what choice do we have?!"
Next, more yelling. "For you to stop being a bitch, to man up and fucking tell me what's wrong, and stop being so guarded about your feelings? What IS your love for me if I never get--got--whatever--to see any of it!?"
"...I've tried. And every time I try you minimize it. Because I can't possibly form an opinion about myself that doesn't agree with you. I'm saying that as long as I don't have complete control over myself and the Kataki no Seirei that I shouldn't be around other people, especially those that make my emotions go haywire like you, Rei and Rakeru. I may not be able to hurt you physically but the other two are a different story and I don't want to take the chance. That is what I'm afraid of. And now you're going to tell me that it's bullshit and that I'm being a pussy and exaggerating it." But that's the wonderful thing about death; he didn't have to worry about it anymore. The Seirei was gone, ready to enhabit the next person, who would--hopefully, remember what had transpired in his past lives.
"It's not about being more powerful, and making someone do something; you don't think I could detain you right now and fucking torture you until I got you to agree to do what I want? You don't understand anything. You are a stupid, naive man."
"It's also the fact that I respect you enough to let you make your own decisions and won't try and shove mine down your throat. And you're a forceful, arrogant bitch. We've reached an impasse."
"You could at least show me some compassion. If you couldn't love me, Ren, you shouldn't have married me. You shouldn't have pretended to be happy about Rakeru. You shouldn't have pretended any of it."
"I haven't pretended a Byakko be damned thing! How many fucking times do I have to say that? Why would I enter into either of those things lightly?! If I didn't love you and truly want to marry you when I knew that it was going to eventually lead me to fall completely then why would I have done it?! And if I didn't want to have a child with you and if I'm not happy that we did then why would I have done it when I knew it was going to eventually lead to this?! Obviously though, I must be lying because my idea of loving you by doing what I think I can to protect you isn't good enough for you. Because you're fucking infallible and the end all be all to the entire universe, is that it? Gods! You drive me insane..."
The Yami-ou was done crying now. She'd moved cleanly past her grief into rage as the crap that Ren was spouting. He traveled all the way from the afterlife just to tell her this? He should have just stayed dead. "Call me what you want, but I've worked hard for what I've got now. I've sacrificed endlessly and tirelessly my own desires, and I really thought that for once I'd get to do something I wanted. To be happy."
Ren's frown was more distinct now. "Well then what can I say to that? Do what you want and I hope you are."
"Why didn't he understand? He always dismissed her when she brought up her own happiness. Why didn't he get that...I know that you loved me. I know that you're cautious about these things, and I know that you put thought into it. But that was before...whatever it is is going on now. Making me stay in a loveless marriage isn't protecting me at all!"
"What's going on now is the same thing that's being going on. Only now...is the climax. And I can't speak about your half but mine certainly isn't loveless. I may not show it as exuberantly as you do but it's true. Tell me what you want me to do so that you'll believe that I've never stopped loving you. And no one is making you stay. I asked you to wait and you have and now I've asked you to wait a little longer and you can't."
There was no more time left to wait. "Argh! Damn it all to Suzaku's hold! Why can't you just be a little sensitive. Why can't you just tell me you love me? Why does everything you say sound like a script from a movie?"
"What more can I say that I haven't already? How many times do you want me to rephrase it? You're in my blood and in the air I breath and without you I would cease to be, is that what you want? It's the truth, whether you believe it or not. I can't get you out of my fucking mind and all of this shit is for you!"
"I want you to start coming home in the evenings," Tomoyo said, but by now the tears had begun to fall as she listed all of things that she'd wished that Ren would do before his death. He couldn't do them anymore, even if he had wanted to. "I want you to hold your son. I want you to hold me. I want you to tell me how much you love me when it crosses your mind. I want you to be more playful, affectionate, giving. I want you."
Sanada Tomoyo, in that single moment, as she slipped down to the ground, was the weakest and most frail creature that Ren had ever seen. Even in death he felt more compassion for her than he had ever felt while they were alive. It was something that he didn't like. He didn't like seeing her like this. His strength was draining, but he supposed that objectively he had completed his goal. It had taken him months to amass the energy require to do this, and he wouldn't be able to do it again very soon. It was all or nothing now, and it was with a heavy heart (metaphorically) that he picked up the pace, finally going to her, and holding her as much as she'd just asked him to. Contact with her was surprisingly solid, something that he hadn't been expecting despite its practicality.
"I can't stay with you," Ren said, "but I love you. Please believe me."
And the Yami-ou awoke that morning, in tears.
