The Devil Saint Canteen [Spoof Thread; Open]

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

When Abbadon walked into the cafeteria-like area of the Devil Saint Headquarters, he was rather confused. How in the world is this place so huge but their cafeteria's the size of a fucking canteen? he thought to himself. But, he was starving. So he walked up to one of the clerks and looked at the menu above him.

"What can I get for you today, sir?" he asked.

Abaddon smirked as he made his decision in his head. "I'll have the New York Prime Rib," he said with a point of his finger.

"Well you'll need a tray," the clerk said.

Abbadon instantly looked at the clerk with a glance in his eye that told anyone else to leave his presence immediately.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

The clerk raised an eyebrow. "Do you know who I am?" he mimicked.

Abbadon frowned. "Listen," he projected. "This isn't a game of 'Who The Fuck Are You.' I'm Hakaisha Abbadon; the strongest demon ever to grace this realm! I can kill you right now without a single thought!"

"Well," the clerk continued, "you'll still need a tray."

"No, I don't need a fucking tray!" Abbadon yelled. "I don't need a tray to kill you! Who do you think you're-"

"No," the clerk interrupted. "You'll need a tray to put the food on. It's rather hot, you see."

Abbadon's facial expression froze instantly. He looked over at the tower of trays, then at the food behind the clerk. He looked at him again and smiled.

"Right," he tried to play off. "The food is hot. Sorry about that; I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death. You know; that whole 'Seat Ranking' situation..."

The clerk looked confused. "Fight to the death?" he asked. "This is the canteen; I work here..."

"Yeah," Abbadon said, still trying to explain the situation, "but I'm Abbadon Hakaisha? The new sixth seat? Head of security? I'm the new sixth seat of the Devil Saint Headquarters?!"

"What's the Devil Saint Headquarters?"

"This is the fucking Devil Saint Headquarters!" Abbadon projected once again, seemingly annoyed. "You're in the Headquarters! I'm the sixth seat now; I'm technically your boss!"

"You're Mr. Stevens?" the clerk asked questionably.

"Who the fuck is Mr. Stevens?!" Abbadon yelled.

"He's head of catering."

"I am not the head of catering!" Abbadon yelled again. "I'm Abbadon Hakaisha! The new sixth seat of the Devil... fuck it; I'll get a tray!"

Abbadon headed to the left of the cash register, seemingly annoyed. When he picked up the first tray, it was wet to his dismay. When he tried the next one, it was wet as well.

As was the next one.

And the next one!

"Fuck!" he yelled. "Did you dry these all in a freakin' rainforest?!"
He looked over at the line to see if the clerk would respond. But when he did, he saw another person heading to the line.

"Oh, no," Abbadon said as he grabbed the first tray. He immediately headed back to the register. He stood in front of the man with a frown of frustration on his face.

"Hey, guy," Abbadon said normally but with a hint of frustration in his voice. "I was here first!"

The man pointed behind him. "You have to form a 'Q' if you want food," he said. He then looked at the clerk, bypassing Abbadon's face all together. "Let me get the New York Prime Rib, please."

"Hold on a minute!" Abbadon yelled. "Do you know who the fuck I am?!"

The clerk pointed at Abbadon. "That's Unicron Hakaisha right there," he said.

Abbadon looked at the clerk behind him with the angriest skowl he could muster.

"I'm not Unicron Hakaisha!" he yelled. "I'm Abbadon Hakaisha!"

"Wait," the man said with a surprised look on his face. "Your Unicron Hakaisha? The new sixth seat of the Devil Saints?"

"No, I am!" Abbadon yelled.

"You're Unicron Hakaisha?" the man asked in amazement.

"No, I'm Abbadon Hakaisha!"

"Are you his brother?" the man asked gleefully. "Can you get his autograph?"

"No, I can't get his fucking... you know what? Yes; I'm Unicron Hakaisha!"

The man smiled rather cheshire-like. "Can I have your autograph?" he asked.

Abbadon slapped the tray out of his hand. "Fuck off, you!" he yelled. He turned around and slammed his wet tray on the counter between he and the clerk.

"Get me the New York Prime Rib now, or I'll kill you with this fucking tray!"

The clerk took the tray and prepared his food. He rung it up and looked at Abbadon with a smile on his face.

"That'll be thirteen ninety-five," he said.

Abbadon frowned at the man while he was gathering his money by taking it out of his pants pockets. He gave him a twenty and waited patiently for his change. Then the clerk looked up at him, keeping his smile.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Hakaisha but it seems that were out of-"

"Don't!" Abbadon yelled as he cut him off. "Please don't finish that sentence. Just... just keep the change and give me a set of goddamn silverware!"

The clerk reached to his left and placed a knife and fork on his tray.

"Thank you, sir," he said. "Have a nice day."

Abbadon continued to frown at both the clerk and the man behind him as he headed for an empty table. Once he sat down, he took a bite into the steak.

"Well," he said, "at least the steak doesn't suck."

[Akuma Sara]

Sara giggled at the things that were happening in the cafeteria. It was days like this that she could relax, unwind, and sucker people into playing blackjack, taking all their money or having them do her chores.

"It's fun being me..." Sara said to her self as she made her way over to the lunch clerk.

"Hey Sam," she said as she left her gloved hand up in the air for a high five, "Any fresh meat?"

The man name Sam returned the high five with a sly smile, "Yeah, your new seat there." He began to laugh, "I got him all warm up for ya. You go do that voodoo that you do, twenty says he'll crack."

"Deal." she held out her hand and Sam slapped the twenty in her palm. "I think he won't fall for it..."

Sara unzipped her black sleeve-less shirt down to the point that her cleavage was showing. She began to walk over while swinging her hips in a seductive way, adding to the effect.

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon started to eat the steak that he completely went through hell to get. But as soon as he took a third bite, he immediately remembered something that only made him more aggravated; something that no man would ever leave behind in his mind when ordering such a meal.

He forgot the A1 Steak Sauce.

"SON OF A BITCH!!!" he yelled as he threw his knife and fork back on the tray. But when he did, the knife splashed back some of the water that was on the tray into his eyes.

"What the fuck?!" he said as he wiped his eyes off with a napkin. "This day cannot get any worse!"

Then he saw Sara walk towards him, showing off her cleavage. He raised an eyebrow.

"Then again..."

[Runa Lisger]

Runa, who had been sitting over in the corner of the cantina, could not stop laughing. Obviously, this guy was the new sixth chair, and not only was he making a spectacle of himself on the first day, but he actually seemed to be partially aroused by Sara's usual routine, which wasn't intended to catch men at all--other than the stupid ones.

Approaching them briskly, she nodded to Abbadon, otherwise ignoring him, and swiftly caught Sara's arm in hers, dragging her away from him, and reaching with her other hand to zip her jacket back up. "Stop that! You're making a mockery of yourself!"

Attempting to drag her over to the table where she had been sitting alone, she also whispered to Sara in hushed tones, "Who's the new guy, anyway? I know what his position is, but who is he?"

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

As soon as he saw Sara headed his way, and another woman basically tackling her away, there was a simple pause that overtook Abbadon's bubble of personal space. His face seemed frightened, with his mind popping up with different ideas.

There's a random chick tackling lesbians, he thought to himself. There's a brain-dead clerk who think's I'm a fucking Transformer, and I have no A1 Sauce. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!

Abbadon took a napkin, walked up to the register again and stared at the clerk from before.

"I need steak sauce," he told him with an annoyed look on his face.

The clerk smiled and cocked his head. "Well, you'll need a tray."

"What the fuck do I need another tray for?!" he yelled. "All I want is Steak Sauce!!"

"Wait; so you already have a tray?" the clerk said.

Abbadon dropped his head in annoyance before raising it up to reveal a face that basically said "Death To Those Who Fuck With Me."

"Listen," he said to the clerk. "All I want is some steak sauce. At this point, it really doesn't matter if it's A1 or not."

"A1?" the clerk said. "Why didn't you say so!"

Abbadon's left eye started to twitch.

The clerk brought out a bottle of the sauce and gave it to Abbadon. "Just leave it on the table when you're done, sir," he informed.

Abbadon exhaled when he grabbed the bottle. "Thank you," he said. He then turned around and headed back to his table. But the sight left him more irritated and flabbergasted than before.

Because his steak was gone.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?!"

[Akuma Sara]

Sara was two seconds away from mind-fucking this man when she felt a tug of both her arm and zipper. Only one person was brave enough to pull her, let alone touch her.

"Runa!" she shouted as she was being pulled away from her target and twenty, "I was just going to have a little fun with him!" Sara snatched her arm back, fixing her clothing a little as she did.

She heard Runa's whispers after she looked at her with a glare. "I don't really know. I could have found out but I don't really know. I'd ask the the one person who does know, Shadow."

As she sat down in another seat, Sara saw the man get up and walk over to Sam who was doing his "job" again.

Well, if I can't do it in front of him... she thought as she, without looking, made a wave of her hand. The stake on his plate went flying into the air, on to the ceiling.

"Runa, why don't you go ask him." she said as she smiled.

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon continued to rant and rave about the sudden disappearance of his steak until he noticed Sara and the woman who tackled her observing him like an untamed animal at a wildlife reserve, which is kinda what he was at the time. He stopped in place like a raccoon caught by a pair of car headlights.

"Um," he started, staring at both of the women who continuously gawked at him. "...Hi?"

[Runa Lisger]

Runa's frown only grew deeper. She couldn't believe that Sara expected her to go over and talk to this...stranger. This man that Shadow had dared to hire without saying anything to her. She felt...insulted. She wasn't sure exactly it was that she would even say--not about anything that wouldn't hurt his feelings.

But when the stranger stopped in front of them and said hello, she felt like this was some hopeless scene from her old highschool years. Taking a moment to swoop her hair, which was down today, long and black, Runa took a few steps forward. She smiled, trying to seem nice.

"Hello..." she said, giving him a seductive smile and leaning forward as though to inspect him; the gesture allowed her v-neck shirt to display some of her cleavage.

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

He had to admit; the first thing he noticed about the female was her cleavage. The way she leaned forward basically said,

"Hey, stranger! LOOK AT MY BOOBS!!!"

Abbadon gulped, trying to snap himself out of the spell of cleavage that took over him at that instant. He looked into her eyes. They were like a golden-hazel; a rarity in eye color, he had to admit.

They're almost as hypnotic as her tits, he thought to himself.

Abbadon extended his left hand in friendship, while his right stayed inside his pocket. A pleasant smile appeared on his face, as if this was the best thing that's happened to him all day.

I think I'll time myself this time, he thought to himself. I say about two hours...

"I'm Abbadon Hakaisha," he introduced. "I'm the new sixth seat. I don't think I got your name miss..."

[Runa Lisger]

Runa straightened up. Now that she had gotten his attention--and the look in his eyes, giddy and happy, denoted that had indeed garnered his attention--she flashed him a smile, a rather feral one that showed off her slightly pointy canines.

"Ah. you're the sixth seat," she said. "I'm Runa. So, how do you like things here so far? I see that the personnel are giving you a hard time, as per usual. You get used to them after a while. "So, of all places that you could have chosen, why did you want to eat here at the canteen?"

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon's face went blank as soon as she uttered the words "why did you want to eat here at the canteen." Just when he found his "happy place," he instantly lost it.

"Wait," he said, looking at Runa after a frustrated exhalation of breath. "You're saying that there are other places to eat here?"

[Runa Lisger]

Runa gave him an expression with her eyes that said that she thought he was very, very stupid.

"Well, you're not required to eat at the headquarters. There is a whole world of fast and order in food out there. You didn't have to come here to get something to eat at all. You could have easily brought something with you. Most people who come here only do so because it's free..."

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon's left eye started to twitch again.

"...Did you say the food here is free?" he asked Runa.

He slowly turned his head toward the canteen operator, who continued to serve people food with that same smuggish smile he kept presenting himself to others. He cut him the most evil glare he could; there was even the possibility that he growled a little. But when he turned back to Runa, he was all smiles and happiness again. He rose a finger while he cut her a look of seductive frustration.

"Pardon me, Runa," he said. He then cut a look of death toward the canteen operator. "I'll be right back..."

[Akuma Sara]

Oh boy, Sara thought, I better stop this before this get out of hand...

Sara rose out of her seat, 20 dollar bill in hand, and walked over to the man named Abbadon Hakaisha.

"No need to get a 'tude. I told him to do that to you. I thought brother told you that your free to come and go at all time." She smiled and held out her hand, "The name is Sara, I'm Shadow's sister." She then looked at Runa with the same smile.

Runa, she mentally threw at the woman, why did you ruin the only fun i get to have!

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon shook Sara's hand, seemingly calming down.

"I know," he said. "Shadow told me all about you. That, and the fact that we met before when you tried to sell me girl scout cookies."

That had Abbadon thinking. Now where have I heard that line before...

"Wait," he said with a smile as he let go of Sara's hand. "So that whole situation between me and that guy was your idea? You're a pretty maniacal one, you are..."

[Akuma Sara]

Sara giggled.

"When you run the whole Intel wing, you find other things to do around here. Playing jokes on the others is my deal."

"Hey Sara!' the man over the counter called out, "Does it mean I get to keep the 20?"

Sara looked at the man, then at Abbadon, then at the 20 in her hand. "Not this time," she said as let it float in mid air using her mind. The 20 dollar bill eased it way over to the man in front of her.

"Oh and another thing," she said with a smirk, "I don't do guys so don't try anything with me...an you may want to get another meal."

[Runa Lisger]

Runa's eyes narrowed just a bit as Sara and the man settled into easy conversation. They had met somewhere before, it seemed.

Well, Runa would have to have a talk with Shadow. She didn't like working for a boss who wouldn't inform her when someone this important was hired. This guy was supposed to a chair. That could change how an entire wing of the Devil Saints was run. She tried to not let the irritation show on her face, and she slinked up to the two of them in her very cat-like manner.

"Playing another trick?" she asked as she saw the 20 dollar bill floating in the air. She hated how "funny" the cashier was here. He was trying to work with Sara to play a joke on someone every twenty minutes. That was something that shouldn't have been a problem, either. However, if Shadow had no problem with that then she supposed that there was no problem. She decided to stop thinking after that; obviously, her bad attitude was getting to her. Not to mention that her sister was still missing and her family didn't know about it yet...she couldn't screw this one up. Felicia was someone who could just about take care of herself. For the most part, her power itself freaked out the people that she knew and kept them away. Runa was banking on that to work in her little sister's favor.

She had been lost like this once before, though, and it led to her wandering a portion of the Mortal Realm that she had never been to before. Not that Runa was implying that her sister did things like this on purpose, but somehow, Runa had the feeling that her sister was okay.

And, to get back at Sara for not telling her about the newcomer as well, she said to him obnoxiously, "Yeah, you're barking up the wrong tree with her; she's a lesbian." Not that she thought that Sara would care, but it made her feel better on the inside.

[Akuma Shadow]

Shadow walked through the door with his head down and earphones on his ears, the music blasting into his eardrums with the sound of Alexisonfire.

"The city," he singed out loud for everyone to hear, "The city is haunted by ghost in broken homes!"

Raising his head up, he saw Runa, Sara, and Abbadon all in the same place. He smiled as he made his way to Runa.

Sara, he mentally thought to his little sister as he made his way over there, What are you guys up to?

When he got behind Runa, he slid his hands around her waist and held her lightly. kissing her on the cheek, he laid his head on her shoulder.

"What are you guys up to?" he said happily

[Tomoshibi Ethan]

"Well well well, I see you are up to you're old tricks again eh?" Ethan said as he walked in removing his hood from his face smiling. "You must be the new seat, my name is Ethan, and I am the second seat." He said smiling extending his hand for friendship. "It's been a while everyone, sorry about the delay for the last couple of weeks, I had another mission but it turned out to be a dud. My office must be a complete mess by now." Ethan chuckled as he glanced around the cafeteria and at everyone's faces.

[Hakaisha Abbadon]

Abbadon was glad to admit; seeing Shadow appear did kinda ease his tension. But the fact that he saw him basically attach himself to Runa like a fish that feeds on the algae on a whale made Abbadon shutter a bit.

Holy shit! he thought to himself. She's his girlfriend?! I was totally about to hit on her! I need a shower now!

Abbadon chuckled as he scratched the back of his head, seeing that he placed himself in such an awkward situation.

"Oh, just getting used to everything here, you know," he tried to act coy after Shadow asked what they were up to. That's when the guy named Ethan came up to them and introduced himself to Abbadon as the second seat. Even though he was being polite, all Abbadon was thinking about was trying to eliminate the idea of trying to hit on Shadow's girlfriend. So when Ethan extended his hand in friendship, it was somewhat of a relief to him.

Finally, he thought to himself. I was waiting for a loophole!

"The names Abbadon," he greeted Ethan with a smile as he shook his hand. "Nice to meet you, Ethan."

After letting go of his hand, he stared at Shadow, even though he was still wrapped around Runa like that piece of art from Beetlejuice.

"So does your sister always pull pranks like this, bro?"